Moving On

We all know how much separation hurts - break up, departures, goodbyes. These words contain so much sadness alone, what more when you try to use it within a certain context.

I guess the very first time I knew how much separation hurts was when I was five. When my mum was admitted to the hospital to deliver my younger sister. I can't remember how long was she actually away. Was it a week? or a few days? I don't know. I guess my kindergarden didn't really taught me how to tell time yet. What I do remember however is me sitting at my door, crying and waiting for my mum to return. Everyday after school, I would sit at the gate and watch if a familiar face would return. I remember my grandmother came and stayed with me so that she can take care of me. I remember my dad trying to cheer me up by picking me to school in his motobike. Btw, my school was only a few blocks away from where I stayed. I remember my aunt came over pretty often to help me with my school work. But I only had one thing on my mind the whole time - my mum. I was afraid that she would never come back. I didn't understood why she had to go to the hospital. And I don't remember going to the hospital to see her either. I was afraid it was some kind of lie these adults say to kids. Maybe my mum didn't want me and they were just afraid to tell me. And so at the age of five, I cried because I was separated from my mum.  Thankfully, it was only temporary. And when she returned, she brought back my baby sister :)

The second time I dealt with separation would have to be break ups. Although each break up has a different story, different lessons learnt, different intensity but just like when I was five, I cried and I waited. I concluded that separation hurts because of the message it sends you. When someone walk out of your life, you can't help but feel abandoned, unwanted and unloved.

The third time (okay, technically it isn't third but you get my point) I dealt with separation was when I went to Korea for exchange. This time I was the one leaving people behind. I left everything and everyone I knew behind. Although it was temporary, although by now the education system in Singapore has taught me the concept of time well, separation still hurts. I didn't feel it all the time but there were nights when I lay in bed thinking about my own bed, thinking about my family and everyone back at home. And for the first time, I knew how moving on feels like - uncertain. I wasn't sure if I made the right choice, I wasn't sure if the people I left behind was doing okay, I wasn't sure what to expect in a foreign land, I wasn't sure about who I would meet, I wasn't sure what to get out of this trip, I just wasn't sure.

The fourth time I dealt with separation was a total eradication from my comfort zone. I walked out of people whom I grew up with,  whom I am used to sharing life with, whom I turned to when I am down, whom I had a future with. Although we are still friends now, but we all know that it isn't the same. More than people, I walked out of a culture, a lifestyle, a set of beliefs and convictions. When you walk out of a fish tank to throw yourself into the ocean, you don't naturally expect the same things right? Suddenly, I find myself trying to swim with waves and with currents. I feel so tiny in that vast oceans. I feel alone. I couldn't see the end. I don't know where I was swimming to, I don't know where I was heading and again I don't know if I was right coming to the ocean. Till date, it is the toughest decision I ever made in my life. I know that the people I left behind have their own stories to tell, but I wished they knew that it wasn't easy for me to move on as well. It takes more courage to leave than to stay. To be fair, it isn't all that bad too. Coming to the ocean is painful and uncomfortable yet exciting. I find myself constantly in awed with the things I discovered. I really love where I am now, who I have become, etc. But there are just days you wish you were a normal fish just swimming in a fish tank with fishes you are familiar with and in a safe and comfortable environment.


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Reading back on my whole emirates interview process I could see that actually I wanted this job more than I thot I wanted it. I laughed because I felt stupid. No, I was stupid. (If you geddit, you geddit)

The very first day I got here, I didn't like this city. This city has no soul. And it is something you have to experience it for yourself. I can't explained it to you. As the days pass by, I felt more and more depressed. Someone once told me that Dubai and Singapore are similar, so I won't have trouble adjusting to it. And having lived in Seoul for almost a good 2 months, I assumed all cities are the same. Omg. How wrong can I be. Coming to Dubai I thot that I would be able to sort out my feelings, I wanted to be inspired, I wanted to discover, to explore, I wanted to be adventurous, I wanted to maybe fall in love not so much having a partner or something but to fall in love with humans again, to fall in love with another city, another town, another culture. But it was nothing like what I expected. In the end I didnt struggle with loneliness, or that I would be forgotten, or fitting in, or the job itself. But I struggled major major disappointment. And because I wanted so much from this, I fell real hard when my expectation was far from the cold hard reality.

And being here for 5 months now, all the advice that the seniors give is that.. you have to be positive. I am not a negative person. In fact I am really optimistic and really really idealistic. But I have never felt more pessimistic in my life ever. Training was tough, adjusting to this new life was tough, being home sick was tough.

I don't know why people seems to have some kind of false perception about cabin crew. Our lives seem to glitter in the eyes of others. Otherwise scandalous. I guess it isn't their fault because of all the pictures they see on facebook and now instagram. But the truth is, we are just weary and tired all the time. Our layover are as short as 24hours. We fly at weird timing like 2.30am. We sleep in the day and we work at night. We sleep and adjust to different time zones on a daily basis. While you are sitting in your seat as a passengers thinking that you are the only one in the aircraft, We have 400 over passengers on a full flight to serve. And people think that we are so damn slow but truth is, we don't stop serving for almost 2 hours straight. And we are not as well paid as you think we are too. But I guess humans are not interested in truths they are only interested in how they perceive truth. People only choose to see what they want to see.

Of course it isn't all bad. I made really wonderful friends here. They are more than family to me. I learnt so much about different cultures. Living abroad and meeting people from all over the world has really made me more open minded and accepting. Sometimes it is wonderful to wake up in Shanghai today and South Africa the next week. Traveling and staying at nice hotels are things I can never ever afford if not for my job.

Don't get me wrong. I am not complaining. I am just saying how I feel. I know of people who would die to be in my shoes. I know I should really try loving everything I have right now. But no matter what this job can offer me, blah blah blah. It won't change how I feel. I didn't regret coming to Dubai. I didn't regret pausing my life in Singapore and starting something new here. But the truth is, I don't this place at all. I find this job too tiring and damaging for health. But I will make the best out of it. Because I chose to come.

So.. This is the story of moving on. It is uncomfortable and uncertain not quite what I expected it to be sometimes it is rewarding but I personally find it struggling.